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• Soup Slop. Soupid.
  on Jul 8, 2012 in phlegm tosser's market dough mardy fridge Soup bellend snot. pus earwax
  Soup. It's one letter away from 'slop', which just about says it all. The average can of soup costs 89p-that's 89p for what is basically flavoured water. It is the food of the most foolish of wanton wastrels. Dave, enjoying some delicious chicke...
• Safe and sound for under a pound (not including gin).
  on Jul 1, 2012 in WD40. Security rat faced gozzing CCTV shed Panic Room
  Whilst confined to barracks over the last couple of weeks, gozzing up allsorts off my chest, my thoughts have turned to home security. Sadly, it's a necessary precaution for many of us nowadays, as there are literally millions of packs of wrong 'uns...
• 18 'Must Have' Money-Saving Tips.
  on Jun 19, 2012 in chicken skin condom spectacles petrol sausages earwax bin liners Spoon gravy. phlegm cold boiled carrots snail shells bay leaves
  In response to an overwhelming trickle of requests, today's offering consists of a comprehensive collection of my latest money-saving tips. Bin bags stuffed with rubbish make great 'emergency beanbags', should unwanted guests arrive. Dave, chilla...
• Fragranced fluids, Voodoo Chiles and Bruce Forsyth's anal secretions.
  on Jun 14, 2012 in stink baboons Perfume cloud fragrance fluids glue Donald Trump. arse bog roll squirt
  Fragrance, perfume, aftershave, parfum, scent, l'essence. Whatever you want to call it, it's a waste of money. It usually smells unpleasant and is always hugely overpriced. Most of the cost is down to the packaging, with the actual liquid c...
• Squirrel Vajazzles, eating spiders and caterpillar insoles.
  on Jun 2, 2012 in lard. Vajazzles meat insects Chimps nightmarish airkill
  'It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes'. Well, actually I'd rather you didn't to be honest. Most naked humans look like a lard sculpture crafted by traumatised chimps. Which brings me onto the subject for today. Insects. To...
• Money grabbing Gob Doctors and mouthwash hogwash.
  on May 29, 2012 in teeth sour milk dentists vinegar. butter ketchup dentine chips
  Ahhh, dentists. The scholarly 'Tooth Doctors', greedily sucking cash from the dry, withered tit-wallets of the gormless grateful. Dave has the teeth of an 'oss. I speak from experience as I spent 18 months working as a rather brawny dental nurse...
• Shoeconomics: Full Foot Intercourse and The Half-Stepper.
  on May 26, 2012 in Peter Sutcliffe camels footwear ambulance Broadmoor. library tinnitus Shoes hopping
  Shoes. Extravagant luxury or basic necessity? Whichever way you look at it they're an expensive piece of kit. Dave, having descended from Botswanan Camels is very 'heavy' on his feet. Add to the mix his 'sweating issues' and it's all too a...
• Trapped in the plughole? Shove it down the cakehole.
  on May 22, 2012 in drain hair winkle Ajax. chicken Plug hole YouGov
  Okay. So you've tipped away the washing-up water and there's some food trapped in the plughole. What do you do? Years ago, when we all had more money than sense, I would have either fished it out and put it in the bin, or sent it on it's way by pushi...
• Eggshells, Mooncups, bollockcups and dog's ears.
  on May 18, 2012 in mooncups Egg shells bollocks wankers dogs ears.
  Eggshells. What a waste. I've tried eating the shell along with the egg, but I've developed a low hobgoblin count and the quack reckons it's the eggshells wot done it. I know they can be put on the compost heap or ground up to make egg coffee, but th...
• Mite riddled greasy fish muck, bacon and magpie chickens.
  on May 15, 2012 in muck bacon The Edge mulligans. sal-con salmon greasy bedsocks
  Smoked salmon. It's quite expensive but as I'm not a fan of eating mite-riddled greasy fish muck, I'm not too bothered. The Edge prefers this economical alternative to smoked salmon.  But as ever, I am constantly thinking of others, and I hav...
• Burning stubble, leaf nails and old people dribbling on your back.
  on May 13, 2012 in Stubble cupping stones genitals strimming
  Spa treatments. What a waste of money. There is no need, so stop it. No one had them in the 70's. Back then going to the Spar meant shopping for margarine, sterilised milk and some Squirmles, not a big ponce-fest. And stop saying 'pamper' t...
• Trouser comedy, dangerous belts and Nick Clegg.
  on May 7, 2012 in Wilkinsons. trousers Saggers Cleggers Clenchers belts comedy Nappies Teenagers
  Teenagers. They get a bad rap but that's because they are responsible for most of society's ills, including obesity, drugs, babies, junk food, killing sprees, TB, debt, Fearne Cotton, unemployment, street dance, the DD recession, Hollyoaks, sudden he...
• Patrick Moore, not spending money on clothes and making your own 'sex pests'.
  on May 3, 2012 in designers vets eggs. fashion clothing Patrick Moore catheterisation
  Spurred on by a picture Patrick Moore sporting some vertically generous trousers, I have been thinking about how to save money on clothes. Dave, doing a 'Moore', while heavy with eggs. I don't 'get' clothes at all. I hate shopping for them, and ha...
• Tea, heroin and corned beef, with advocaat and chimpy pants.
  on Apr 29, 2012 in corned beef Tea heroin Oxo. Cameron Bruce Lee Joplin monkeys
  We all love a cup of tea, don't we? Actually, I'm not keen on hot drinks and consume exclusively gin, wine, cider, lager, brandy or at a pinch, advocaat. Other people seem to like it, though. Each to their own. Dave, surrounded by drug paraphernal...
• Lardy pig butter, fried crack sandwiches, dining on Ossifrages and Queen Mick.
  on Apr 23, 2012 in Ossifrages Denmark. Gangsta margarine butter Chris Evans pigs grapefruit Crack
  Butter, as the youngsters would say, is well 'gangsta' and I am in fulsome agreement. I don't know why people use margarine instead, although no one uses the word 'margarine' anymore, it's called 'spread' nowadays, but it's still margarine. And it's...
• Travelling-why it's a really bad idea, plus boiling peas in the kettle.
  on Apr 19, 2012 in peas kettle Kirsty Allsopp Air Canada Venus Travel monkeys
  Travel. I'm not a fan. It's expensive, tiring and makes you feel 'grubby'. Plus, it takes ages and, be it by coach, train or plane you always end up densely packed with my bete noir-other people. I'm also led to believe that it's not very '...
• Emergency teabagging, soap in your gusset, drought foods and goblinaires.
  on Apr 16, 2012 in bath dehydrated spit. soap bagpipes gusset drought hot water bottles public toilets
  So half of the UK is officially a drought area and we must all be careful with water. Regular readers will know that this has been my policy for some time, mainly because we have a water meter, but now I can pretend that it's for the greater good of...
• Prison. The ultimate budget lifestyle? Plus the upside of sharing a cell with 36 others.
  on Apr 12, 2012 in Asda Drug smuggler Thai flashmob prison
  I am currently reading a book about a drug smuggler who escapes from a Thai jail. His description of the vile and treacherous conditions reminds me of Asda in August. It's the same old pattern of events. Smuggler, on his last ever run, gets stopped...
• I have written to Australia and Ozzy Osbourne in a blouse.
  on Apr 9, 2012 in Cane toads Australia. hobgoblins Nutella hot water bottles
  Cane toads are causing Australia a few problems again. The average weight of a Cane toad is 4lbs-the same as a monkey, and their skin is tougher than Kevlar. Those of you who have read my post on Eating frogs and toads will know that I'm no...
• A penguin is basically a large, fishy chicken and The Free Elastic Band.
  on Apr 4, 2012 in Bacchus Captain Robert Falcon Scott Um Bongo. Jerusalem artichoke Earl Grey Fred Whittle pilchards
  We make our own booze, but occasionally Bacchus creeps in and does a big stinking Tom Tit in the fermenting vessel. Due to poor planning, the only drinking matter available is the Jerusalem Artichoke Gewurztraminer that I made back in November 2009 a...

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